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Rules for Women Man's 25 Rules for Women
1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
2� Don’t cut your hair, Ever
3. Don't make us guess.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't
want to hear.
5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship. "
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like
8. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
9. Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let
It he.
10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
12. You have enough clothes.
13. You have too many shoes.
14. I Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
15. Your brother is an idiot.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark Anniversaries.
18. Share the bathroom.
19. Share the closet.
20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Nothing says 'I love you' like a blowjob in the morning.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24. Check your oil.
25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
This little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from
his parents' room. Finally one morning, he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every
night I hear you and Daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing
up and down on him. "His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh ... well ... ah
well. l'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again. The boy
says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy
replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you lleave each day and blows him
back up!"
One evening this guy comes home from work to be greeted by his wife at the door. She gives
him a kiss and says, "Honey, there's a problem with the vacuum cleaner. Could you
please look at it for me?" Her husband replies,
Look, I work hard all day long. I'm tired and all i want to do is eat dinner
and relax. What do I look like, the Kirby man?" His wife she shrugs, sighs and goes
to fix dinner. The next evening, he comes home from work and his wife greets him at
the door. She tells him, "Honey, there's something wrong with the washing machine.
Could you please fix it for me?" Her husband replies, "I don't believe
this. I work hard all day, I'm > tired and all I want to do is sit down in front of the
n/ and relax. What do I look like, the Maytag repair man?" The wife looks at
him, shakes her head and walks away. The next night, he comes home, opens the door
and there is his wife, vacuuming the floor and he can hear the washing machine running in
the garage. He says, "Honey, you got the stuff fixed! Great! How did you do it?"
His wife replies, "Well, there's this guy down the street who said he would fix both
things if I either had sex with him or baked him a cake." The husband says,
"Great! What kind of cake did you bake him?" His wife, a big grin on her face,
replies, "Hah! Who do I look like, Betty Crocker?"
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's
tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin
was sticking out of his torn coat pocket He opened his newspaper and began reading. After
a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what
causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap,
wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'II
be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. "I don’t have it,
Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
As sex education is being taught at a younger age these days little Johnny is in class one
day when the teacher begins the days sex lesson. "Today’s letter is the letter
"p" and the word is "penis” Little Johnny can hardly contain himself
and blurts out, "I know what that is"! "I know! I know!!" " My
daddy has two of them! " "He has a little one he goes pee with...and a great big
one he ~ brushes the babysitters teeth with!"
Bob was showing off his bird dog to his friend Bill they went down towards a lake
and Bob said to the dog, "How many ducks are there boy?" The dog raced off
to the lake, came back a couple of minutes later, and barked twice. Seconds later, two
ducks floated into view. “That was unbelievable, can he do it again?" Bill
asked. "Sure," responded Bob, "How many ducks are there boy?" The dog
raced off again, came back, and barked four times. Four ducks flew in and landed on the
pond. "I have to have that dog," Bill said, "I'II give you $5,000 and
all of my hunting dogs." They agreed to the deal, and Bill took the dog home to show
off to his wife. Bill and his wife took his new dog down to the lake and Bill said,
"How many ducks are there boy?" The dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's
leg, grabbed a stick, shook it, and
hrew it over his shoulder. "Bob gypped the hell out of you," his wife
said. "You are such a fool. Bill protested, "But I saw it work, let me try
again. How many ducks are there boy?" Again the dog Faced off, came back,
humped his wife's leg, grabbed a stick, shook it, and threw it over his shoulder.
"Well, shit" Bill said, "This dog is useless. Then, after shooting the dog,
he went back and told the story to Bob. After hearing thatk at.
One day the different parts of the body were having an argument to see which should be in
charge: The brain said "1 do all the thinking so I'm the most important and 1
should be in charge. The eyes said "i see everything and let the rest of you know
where we are, so I'm the most important and I should be in charge. The hands said:
"Without me we wouldn't be able to pick anything up or move anything. So l'm the most
important and I should be in charge. The stomach said: "I turn the food we eat into
energy for the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most important and I
should be in charge. The legs said: "Without me we wouldn't be able to move anywhere.
So I’m the most important and 1 should be in charge. Then the rectum said: "1
think I should be in charge. All the rest of the parts said: YOU?! You don't do
anything! You're not as important as we surely are! You can't be in charge. So the rectum
closed up. After a few days, the legs were all wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the
hands were all shaky, the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy. They all
agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and agreed to put the rectum in charge.
The moral of the story? You don't have to be the most important to be in charge.
Just an Asshole.
A man received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude
and worse Vocabulary. Every other word was expletive. Those that weren't expletives were,
to say the least, rude. The man tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was
constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of.
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the
bird got madder and rud e.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, he put the bird in the freezer. For a few moments he
heard the bird squawking and kicking and screaming, and then, suddenly, there was quiet.
The man was frightened that he might had actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the
freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto the man's extended arm and said:
"l'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for
your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior." The man was astounded at
the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had changed him when the parrot
continued, "May 1 ask what the chicken did?"
Brandon, Troy and Kevin, who were lost in the forest, were captured by cannibals. The
cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first
step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same fruit. All three
men went their separate ways to gather the fruit. Brandon came back and said to the king,
"I brought ten apples." The king explained the trial to him, "You have to
shove the fruit up your butt without any expression on your face, or you'll be eaten. The
first apple went in but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
Troy arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he
thought to himself that this should be easy but on the ninth berry bursts out in laughter
and was killed. Brandon and Troy met in heaven. Brandon asked, “ Why did you
laugh, you almost got away with it!” Troy replied, “ I could not help it, I
looked up and saw Kevin coming back with pineapples.”
BARBIE
Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's
birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the malt, runs to the toy store
and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a
condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have
Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $9.95, Barbie Goes Shopping
for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19. 95, Barbie Goes Nightclubing for $9.95, and
Divorced Barbie for $265.00". Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00
when all the others are only $19.95?" "That's obvious,” the sales lady
says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's
furniture.
Subject: Worst Things To Say To A Police Officer
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Bad cop! No donut! Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops? Excuse me.
Is "stick up" hyphenated? Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer
only gave me a warning, too! Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job! I pay your
salary! I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a
police officer. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school
instead. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at
McDonalds? So, uh, you on the take, or what? Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my
radar detector wasn't plugged in. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
A missionary, who has spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things
to be self-sufficient, gets word that he is to return home. He thinks that the one thing
he never did was to teach these natives how to speak English, so he takes the chief
and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and tells the chief, "this is a
tree". The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "tree". The missionary is
pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and
the padre points to a rock and says, "this is a rock", at which the chief looks
and grunts, "rock". The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results
when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top he sees a couple in the
midst of heavy romantic activity.
The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "riding a bike". The chief
looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them both. The padre goes
ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be
civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people? The chief replies,
"my bike".
50 REVISED RULES FOR WOMEN
These rules will hopefully help women understand men:
1. SportsCenter starts at 10:00 pm and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay
bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.
2. Even if its a common cold or a sprained ankle, no one, ever, has been in worse
shape.
3. Let us know how brave we are for dealing with that common cold or sprained
ankle.
4. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to
dinner.
5. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus,
you need not go much further than the Gap,
J. Crew or the local Patagonia store.
6. Overall, we can cook better than you, so if you make dinner, it better be
good.
7. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
8. Hangovers are never our fault, and we deserve sympathy.
9. Led Zeppelin and the Who are good make-out bands. Tori Amos, Alanis Morrisette
and Liz Phair are not.
10. The fact that your best friend just broke up with her boyfriend of two years
does not make the rest of us miserable pigs.
11. Even if we are miserable pigs, you'll have a tough time showing causality.
12. The Three Stooges are funny.
13. Butthead is the smart one.
14. Nobody actually reads Playboy, but you should humor us anyway.
15. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
16. Briefs are a no-no, no matter what.
17. Hair jokes are not funny.
18. The genetic coding required to ask for directions is not contained in the Y
chromosome. Therefore, you need not bother suggesting that we stop.
19. Love our mothers.
20. Love our sisters.
21. Really, really love our dogs.
22. Cats are not, in fact, approved pets for men.
23. We rank fish above cats.
24. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
25. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and
"the relationship."
26. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning,
and grocery shopping.
27. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything
on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.
28. A new suit costs $400 and we want it to look nice. We do care what you
think.
29. A new tie costs less than $30. If we just spent $400 on a new suit, we sure as
hell don't want some flashy tie that focuses attention away from the damn thing. Let
us pick out our own ties.
30. Socks never constitute a gift.
31. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed
linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or
sporting equipment nearby.
32. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.
33. We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens
34. You could pay for dinner every now and then.
35. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.
36. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the
good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."
37. Curley is the bald one.
38. White wine is not necessarily better than a cold Geary's or a Fat Tire
Amber.
39. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.
40. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept
that.
41. It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.
42. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mike Piazza, Teemu Selanne,
Shaquille O'Neal, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't
expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your
mother are up to.
43. Golf is a sport, and watching it on TV is a legitimate way to spend a weekend
afternoon.
44. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation
are not.
45. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are
even better (reference rule #4).
46. No, you can't have the remote control.
47. We do love you. We don't love many people, and we don't like to say it very
often. Too much of anything can diminish its value.
48. We can get the Sunday paper and read it, or we can cuddle,
drink coffee and chat. We cannot do both, so make up your mind, in advance.
49. Wear our clothes out in public, in front of our friends and in front of yours.
Just because we love you and want to show you off doesn't reduce your
individuality.
50. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never,
leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to
our discomfort.
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.His friend
Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"
"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob. "Oh!" exclaims Doug,
"Good trade."
Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia? The Newfies were
lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them
back.
In Canada we have two Seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor
snowmobiling.
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. The
proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy
their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed
his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out
of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Canadian
picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling,
"SPIT IT
OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"
A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. "Toilette
pepper!"
On the first day of Grade Three, Johnnie's teacher asked the students to count to
50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But Johnnie did
extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes. At home he told his Dad how
well he had done. Dad told him, "That's because you are from
Newfoundland, son." The next day, in language class, the teacher asked students
to recite the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with only one
mistake, but Johnnie outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only
the letter "m". That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date
and Dad explained to him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland,
son". The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking
showers.Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed
overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night, he asked his Dad,
"Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than
theirs. Is that because I'm from Newfoundland?" "No, son,
"explained Dad, "That's because you're 18!"
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all
brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived.
Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and
opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what
happened. "Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then
there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing
at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too
young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of
course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was
back here." "That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what
happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the American,
"the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for
the government to pay for his."
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
---------------------------------------------
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative
as,"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell
you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your
paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers
should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are male:
-------------------------------------------
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the
problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer,
you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the day.
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the
Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant
and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in
there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just
follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher
puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says,
"Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says,
"You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says,
"A Doberman Pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very
good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in." The guy with the Chihuahua
figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to
walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with
the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy
at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean
they gave me a Chihuahua?"